Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Following A Dream

So many people have things to say about dreams. "Follow your dreams" "I have a dream . . ." "Give up your dreams" "Dreams are a gift from God". With all these messages, it's hard to know what to think. Pursuing dreams can mean sacrificing some day to day joys, but yet if the dream came to fruition then it would all be worth it. If I wait for my dreams to come to me, they may never come. If I give up my dreams I feel like I'll be an empty person, without goals or purpose.

I've been told to give up my dreams. They aren't rational and definitely not attainable with a family. I'm not that good. I can't really live the life with the path I have chosen. I've been told be satisfied with where I am at. Find satisfaction in the day to day, and stop being such a dreamer. But doesn't that sound all too negative?

Sometimes I feel it is wrong to pursue my dreams. You know, when you feel like they are supposed to happen then God will plop them in your lap. Like the more you try the farther the dreams travel away, so it seem so much happier to just keep the dreams on a shelf and think of how pretty they look. As if the realization of failure and the inability to obtain the dreams is much harder to bear, so then not pursuing them seems like a much better option.

However, actually actively pursuing my dreams seems impossible. At my point of life I've made choices that seem to be complete roadblocks to what I dream. Then the path seem so arduous, that I get caught up and the complexity and grandiose nature of my dream. I fear each step that I could make towards it, even though I could take each step one at a time. I would so rather fall into a whirlwind of the dream, than to take each step purposefully at a time. It seems so daunting. But if God truly gives us our dreams for a reason, then I should stop trying to trust in myself and rather trust in Him. If He reveals to us our dreams, then He can make them happen. So strange how people say that God wants to give us dreams bigger than ones we have. They haven't seen my dreams. Against all odds I dream bigger than most, and still keep a seed of hope in my heart that they will happen. I will keep the seed, I will take my steps, and I will trust my Father. Hey, who knows?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

God's Big Plans

Jeremiah 29: 11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

He knows the plans He has for me. Then I call upon God and pray to Him, and He will listen to me. I will find Him when I seek Him with all of my heart. So to find any answers to all the big questions I have, I must accept that God knows what He has planned. He has good plans. Then I have to call upon God, not upon the plans, not going forward into my own ways, not getting lost in the future, but really calling upon God because He is God. Then He will hear me. I will seek God and find Him, when I seek Him with all of my heart. So as an empty vessel, saying "God, fill my heart", and I will find Him.

How many things that I have filling the void. How many things that keep my vessel from being anything but empty. An empty vessel is able to be filled, when I come empty I can receive. When I come full up with other things, I receive nothing. I so often receive nothing from the Lord because I do not have an empty vessel.

To find God and to really seek after Him, I must first ask Him to turn me into a truly empty vessel. I need to be so eager after God that I have no other concerns hindering, no frustrations that I haven't let go, no bitterness that I want to hold onto so bad. To really be free for God's outpouring, I have to let go of everything else that I'm holding onto.

I am filled with distractions. They fill my vessel. Online networks, online gaming, DVD's, computer games, Wii, and all that sort. Aren't they a sort of addiction too? They take up my time, and that is a lot of time that I could be dedicating to following and seeking after God. Part of being a vessel is opening up my time to God. If I don't have time to seek Him, how can I receive all that He has for me?

I've got myself into a major case of being root bound. I'm so content with my little pot, my little life, my little house, that I've gotten so very unconcerned with growing. I've formed my little tiny root system around my little life, that I'm completely unconcerned that if I was planted in fruitful soil that God would have a chance to give me more water, more nutrients, and more sunlight. God's plans are so much bigger than my own. I have my little pot, and He has provided an entire acre. He is asking me now to relinquish my pot for his rich soil, to let go of my little tiny pot, for a chance to feel his sunlight and to be watered fully so my roots can run deep. Though, my first thought is how hard that sounds. It is hard work to grow. I have to first be released from my comfortable pot. That's not too fun. Then my roots that are so run together and unhealthy have to be loosened and broken apart. It never feels good to be broken, but it's God's way of helping me to grow. Then I have to leave my comfortable pot and be planted into deep soil. It's scary out there! I don't know what kind of bugs might be out there, what type of obstacles that might want to eat at me.

Though, God is a master Gardener. He's there throughout all of the seasons. He knows exactly what I need and when, He's got just the right amount of fertilizer and just the right amount of water. The deep soil means depending on God fully. Fully relinquishing the pot of comfort, to being vulnerable and open and letting God use me and grow me. Fruitfulness. No root bound, unhealthy plant has ever bore fruit. Now I have to make the decision to grow, it's not just something that happens. Something has to change to make the roots go deep. God has to change me. I cannot pull up my skirt of roots and dance over to the rich soil and plow my way into the ground. I've never seen a plant do that by itself. I have to ask the master gardener to have his way with me. He has to remove the pot. He has to break my roots apart. He has to dig a new hole and plant me in where He wants me. If I try sticking myself in just anywhere I might get overtaken by weeds, or by another bigger plant. God knows exactly where to plant me.

Then comes the water of life, and the sunlight. He can then grow me according to his plans. All I have to do is be willing and be patient.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


You'd think that after four months without James that I could easily acclimate to having an extra pair of hands, a back massager, an extra cook, and someone to talk to when I'm at home. Yet, routine does not come easy when there is an extra person with their own ideas coexisting with you. I plan on cleaning up when I get home from work, but then it's just so easy to just play the Wii with James or work on crosswords together. I think how good it would be to eat at home more, but it is so easy to say "want to go out to eat?" and you have a collaborator saying "Sure!" It's so funny how I can talk myself out of being "naughty" but when it James is my coconspirator, man, are we bad! Fortunately, we both realize that we are being lazy, and we both are trying to do little bits to improve our messy surroundings, and I think we both want to feel some sense of routine. Only some days, however much we want to do the right thing, we both pal up and do something besides the productive task. I guess at some point some sense of normality will return and we'll both get set into a better way of life, but I guess until then, I am seriously going to go batty.